The Art of the Apology

When Elton John sings his hit song “Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word,” he is lamenting the loss of a romantic relationship. But it can be challenging for many people to apologize, regardless of their connection to the wronged party. Sometimes, it’s because they are too proud, too stubborn, or just oblivious. Yet experts say learning to acknowledge a mistake and express regret is essential for human connection, including in the workplace.

To be sure, people are misbehaving at work. A SHRM study conducted earlier this year concluded that U.S. workers witness or experience more than 171 million acts of incivility daily. Two-fifths (40%) of those incidents happen in the workplace. The two most common displays of incivility people observed at work were addressing others disrespectfully (36%) and interrupting or silencing others while they were speaking (34%).

Kendra Prospero, founder and CEO of Turning the Corner, a Boulder, Colo.-based HR consulting firm, said apologizing to a colleague when you have upset them is essential for maintaining a productive working relationship. “Most of us still have to continue to interact with our colleagues, so what is so wrong with saying, ‘I'm really sorry that I offended you’? ” she said.

Delivery Matters

Experts say it's crucial that the apology be well delivered and sincere; otherwise, it could just make an already delicate situation worse.

Prospero said apologies are best delivered in person. “I think over email is a terrible way to apologize because it's probably not going to be received as the sender intended,” she said. “If you're face-to-face, they can then read your energy, read your body language, hear the tonality in your voice, see the compassion in your eyes.”

Jennifer McKenna, president of JMac Consulting, an Atlanta-based firm that helps companies transform their cultures, said it's crucial to take ownership of your mistake. A generic “I’m sorry” that doesn’t acknowledge what the upsetting behavior was can potentially compound the bad feelings.

McKenna said the person issuing the apology can explain what triggered their inappropriate behavior, provided it doesn’t come across as an excuse. Perhaps the individual who yelled or kept interrupting their colleague got some unwelcome news, had their car stolen, or lost their wallet. Those scenarios can explain why someone was on edge, McKenna noted, but don’t give them a pass for using poor manners—which the person making the apology should emphasize.

Clearing the air quickly will avoid festering bad feelings. McKenna said if you know your actions have upset a colleague and you don’t understand their reaction, consider reaching out to discuss the situation. “Be vulnerable enough to take ownership with pure intent to say, ‘Can we just have a conversation?’ ” That will go a long way toward developing a better working relationship, Prospero noted.

Raising the Stakes

McKenna cautioned against asking for an apology when you feel wronged because if you receive one, it may be insincere.

She also said individuals should think carefully before asking a supervisor or HR professional to intervene when they are offended by a colleague. The decision to do so will depend on many factors, including the infraction, the circumstances, and the relationship you have with the individual who offended you. Handling things yourself may be better if the transgression was out of character for the person and isn’t part of a pattern.

Apologies are also not a get-out-of-jail-free card for continued unprofessional conduct. Prospero said one of her clients had an employee who always apologized after berating and screaming at his direct reports and promised to learn to manage his temper. However, the outbursts negatively impacted the company’s culture, the employee failed to reform his ways, and behavior modifications didn’t follow the apologies and he was let go.

“We gave him tools to change, but he would not or could not change,” Prospero said.