Minding Manners

Gossiping and cliquish behaviors had become common among teachers with differing opinions on management styles at three California schools.  However, it was the actions of a belligerent parent that pushed the schools to develop a civility policy. The code was drafted after a father screamed at a teacher so angrily that the police were called to defuse the situation, according to a former human resource director at the schools.

The policy—which applies to staff, teachers and parents—states that the schools will not tolerate harassment, bullying or aggressive behavior. Efforts to improve the atmosphere didn’t end there. There were workshops on emotional intelligence and community building at the beginning of the school year for teachers and administrative staff who were dealing with ongoing internal conflicts.

“A lot of what we saw [i.e., the poor behavior] was from a lack of culture, of connectedness,” the former human resource director says.

Other organizations may want to take note. Workplace incivility is common and can have profound implications for organizations. In a survey SHRM conducted in March to take the pulse of worker sentiment in an increasingly polarized society, researchers asked more than 1,600 U.S. workers how often they experience or witness uncivil behavior in their daily lives, and, more specifically, in the workplace.

Based on their responses, SHRM found that U.S. workers witness or experience more than 171 million acts of incivility per day, 40 percent of which occur in the workplace. There’s reason to believe that number will rise. SHRM revealed that one-third of U.S. workers think workplace conflict will increase over the next 12 months.

One goal of this research, says SHRM Chief Data and Insights Officer Alex Alonso, Ph.D., SHRM-SCP, is to give company leaders a better understanding of the problem and how it affects their workforce. SHRM research released in February found that the most common ­expressions of incivility people have observed at work included ­addressing others disrespectfully (36 percent), interrupting or silencing others while they were speaking (34 percent), and excessive monitoring or micromanaging (32 percent).

“That’s a precursor for diminished empathy, a bad culture and a culture that’s going to have turnover,” Alonso says. “You have to do something to mitigate that. You can’t just let that happen.” Indeed, that much incivility can take a toll. Fifty-nine percent of the workers SHRM surveyed said incivility causes a decline in employee morale.

Employees who believe their workplaces are uncivil are more than three times as likely to be dissatisfied with their jobs, according to SHRM research. They are also twice as likely to say they will leave their positions over the next twelve months than those who think their workplaces are civil.

Reasons abound for the incivility affecting the workplace, experts say. Many people’s interpersonal skills suffered from isolation during the pandemic and remain lacking. More employees are struggling with mental health and financial issues that can impact their workplace behavior. Hybrid and remote work make it more difficult for colleagues to develop strong personal bonds.

Beyond that, workplace experts say employees don’t always share the same idea of what constitutes respectful interactions, as different generations often hold contrasting views. Younger employees’ desire for transparency and discussion about personal issues can make older workers uncomfortable. Mature workers are sometimes frustrated by what they say is younger professionals’ tendency to take constructive criticism as a personal affront.

“If you ask 30 people to define professionalism, you will get 30 different answers,” says Kate Zabriskie, owner of Business Training Works, a Port Tobacco, Md.-based company that conducts courses on soft skills and etiquette. That lack of consensus can be exacerbated by today’s deep cultural and political divisions. Zabriskie says the rise of social and specialized media has further weakened the country’s shared experience. “You really can live in your own ecosystem,” she adds. “I think some of the things that we used to take as givens aren’t anymore.”

Fostering a Respectful Workplace

Employers are using different tactics to create more harmonious workplaces. Earlier this year, SHRM launched its “1 Million Civil Conversations” initiative to encourage civility in the workplace by giving employers tools and resources to spark productive conversations in their organizations. Jim Link, SHRM’s chief human resources officer, discussed the program in March at the South by Southwest conference in Austin, Texas, where he highlighted the importance of active listening as a way to improve civility. Active listening requires paying close attention to a person’s choice of words and body language to better understand the meaning behind those words.

“Active listening is at the core of civility,” Link says. “Taking the time to hear, consider and then thoughtfully respond to the words of another person is empowering for both the speaker and the listener. It’s a skill that takes practice, and we seem to have lost it.”

Conflict management seminars, team-building exercises and etiquette training can also be part of employers’ toolboxes for creating mutually respectful workplaces. Indeed, nearly half (45 percent) of companies offer employees etiquette classes, and another 18 percent were slated to start this year, according to a 2023 study of more than 1,500 business leaders by Resume Builder, a Seattle-based provider of resources for job seekers. Topics typically covered in these classes include conversing politely, dressing professionally and taking constructive criticism. Two-thirds of those offering the classes deemed them a success.

Zabriskie says she has seen an uptick in requests for classes on business manners since more employers have brought their workers back to the office in the wake of the pandemic. “They want a reset,” she explains.

The sessions on emotional intelligence held by the schools in California, where accusations of micromanaging had fueled incivility, helped ease the tensions there, the school’s former human resource director says. She explains that the incivility took root when some of the teachers balked after a principal who was brought in to improve students’ performance demanded to see their daily lesson plans. The teachers complained that the excessive attention to detail was stifling their creativity. Cliques developed among those who approved of the principal’s tactics and those who didn’t. Some teachers were excluded from social outings. Others found their lunches or special coffee creamers missing from the refrigerator.

“Sometimes people just need a place to let things out,” says the former human resource director, referring to the staff sessions the schools held.

At her workplace, Jennifer Moore, HR manager for Rosen & Rosen Industries, a San Clemente, Calif.-based safety gear manufacturer, says that simply bringing uncivil behavior to the attention of workers can reconcile the problem. She recently had to speak with a senior manager after several employees accused him of consistently talking over and interrupting them. Female employees made some of the allegations, though the worst comment came from a male employee who said the episodes made him feel like “a second-class citizen.”

Moore says the manager was apologetic when confronted with his actions and that they worked on changing his interactions through role-playing exercises.

Many employers fear tensions between employees will mount as the presidential election draws near, leading to more disrespectful interactions and potential altercations in the workplace, and they are grappling with how to keep the peace. Although it’s impossible to ban conversations about sensitive topics or police every employee interaction, HR professionals like Moore are putting their managers on high alert to listen for employee exchanges about politics that may become disruptive. Moore says two employees almost came to blows over an argument about the 2020 election at her former employer. “It got ugly fast,” she says.

Moore doesn’t believe suppressing conversations that rile up employees and affect productivity is inappropriate for her workplace. “The election has nothing to do with what we do here,” Moore says. “This can be a very sensitive period for people, and we need to be mindful of how it can affect the workplace.”

While some HR professionals, like Moore, try to keep politics completely out of the workplace, SHRM President and Chief Executive Officer Johnny C. Taylor, Jr., SHRM-SCP, says the answer is engaging more civilly rather than squelching conversations that are ultimately inevitable.

“Learning how to have civil conversations, about any topic, is important in the workplace,” Taylor says. “The key is to be respectful and open to learning from one another.”

A Matter of Perspective

It’s important to take allegations of incivility seriously; if left unaddressed, these instances can snowball into something unlawful. Determining when unkind behavior turns into a law-breaking action is a tough call.

“When does it cross the line between rude, obnoxious and uncivil to violating the law or violating a company policy? That’s 100 percent dependent on the particular facts and circumstances,” says Michael Schmidt, the New York City-based vice chair of law firm Cozen O’Conner’s labor and employment department.

Schmidt says employers must have detailed anti-discrimination, anti-bullying, and anti-retaliation policies and training. There must also be clear workplace conduct rules and ways for employees to confidentially report any type of infraction. The policies must be reiterated often, and it’s especially important that daily managers and supervisors understand them so they can act quickly when situations arise. “They can’t just sit in a drawer,” Schmidt says.

KPMG begins instilling expectations about appropriate office behavior among their employees early—sometimes even before people are hired. The audit, tax and advisory services company invites college students who have received or accepted a job offer from the firm to spend two days at KPMG’s Orlando, Fla., location. The idea is to give them firsthand knowledge of what it is like to work at the firm and what is expected of them.

Once hired, all new employees also spend two days at the Orlando office. These orientations include discussions about the organization’s values, team-building exercises and problem-solving sessions.

“We want to give them a sense of how they can best succeed inside the organization,” says Jason LaRue, KPMG’s national managing partner of talent and culture, of the firm’s newest employees. “We also want to encourage those who are joining us new to understand what we expect inside our community.”

Setting expectations is critical, and employers can’t assume all of their employees hold the same ideas about what constitutes appropriate behavior, especially in multicultural workplaces. Moore says one such example of that occurred when a male worker at her company took it upon himself to move boxes in the embroidery department, which is composed of all women. Some of the women found the man’s actions disrespectful, believing they were sexist and may have been an attempt at flirting. He wasn’t lifting boxes for other men, they noted. The man, an immigrant to the U.S., was offended when told that some of the women were upset by his efforts, and he said he was only trying to be helpful.

“He thought he was being a gentleman, and they thought something else,” Moore says. “I told him that I knew he was trying to be a good human being. Now he knows to ask if a woman would appreciate some assistance.”

Disagreeing Better

A significant contributor to workplace incivility is the inability of individuals to have productive exchanges when they hold different views, says Justin Jones-Fosu, author of I Respectfully Disagree: How to Have Difficult Conversations in a Divided World (Berrett-Koehler Publishers, 2024).

“People are afraid they are going to say the wrong thing,” says Jones-Fosu, CEO of  “Work. Meaningful.”, a business consulting and services firm in Charlotte, N.C. “They are afraid they are going to get labeled or canceled.”

Jones-Fosu instructs his clients to challenge their own perspectives when having strained conversations at work, and to be curious about another person’s viewpoint. He says curiosity should go beyond understanding what the person’s position entails, why they believe it and how they reached the conclusion.

“It’s not about you trying to prove A to me and me trying to prove B to you, but how do we create C together,” Jones-Fosu says, adding that it’s critical for people to feel their viewpoints are understood and considered, even if a project or decision doesn’t incorporate many, if any, of their ideas.

“They can say their ideas were valued,” he says, adding, “I don’t think conflict is bad; I think polarization is bad.”

Loralyn Mears says one way to avoid uncivil behavior in the workplace is to encourage people to have more conversations that don’t necessarily have anything to do with work. Organizations need to host informal functions such as lunches where people just chat and learn more about each other, says Mears, founder of STEERus Inc., a River Vale, N.J.-based workforce training company.

“People keep their earbuds in while they are waiting in line for coffee. They don’t talk to anybody else waiting in line,” Mears says. “There’s no sense of belonging and unification.” She adds that if people develop a sense of community and friendship with their colleagues, they will be more likely to treat them courteously and civilly.

“It’s a lot harder to be polarized with somebody that you actually like and care about,” agrees Kendra Prospero, founder and CEO of Turning the Corner, a Boulder, Colo.-based HR consulting firm. “You may not agree with them, but you’re more likely to not be toxic about it.”

Creating such bonds can be more challenging in a hybrid or remote setting, though not impossible. Prospero’s company has been fully remote since the pandemic, and she continues to explore ways to foster bonds among employees. Each of the company’s weekly meetings starts with celebrating colleagues’ personal or professional successes. The organization’s twenty employees also gather monthly for a virtual team-building exercise. Recently, the team took a survey to see how they each managed conflict, which included feedback about their biases that might trigger adverse reactions.

Prospero learned that she is biased against people who become overly emotional in the office. She says she was leaning against hiring someone who said they had cried in a professional setting, and one of her colleagues suggested on a Zoom call with other employees that Prospero’s bias might be shading her thinking. It was an astute observation, Prospero says.

She believes that the efforts her company makes toward fostering productive, civil dialogue have created the atmosphere that allowed her colleague to challenge her. “I said, thank you for pointing that out,” Prospero says. “You are right.”