How to Use Civility to Defuse Difficult Conversations as a Leader

Have you ever struggled to get an employee on board with a decision? It’s a key part of any leader’s role, but it’s gotten harder in recent years as polarization rises and civility declines. Discussions about topics such as inclusion and diversity, remote work, and sustainability can quickly become focused on emotion rather than substance.

How you handle these conversations as a leader says a lot to your workforce about your organization’s values. Leading with inclusion requires embracing civility, because only in a civil environment can diverse perspectives be heard. Here’s how you can make sure challenging discussions stay productive—and maybe even improve your decision-making in the process.

Start with a Cultural Foundation

Culture shapes how organizations handle disagreements. At SHRM, we follow a guiding principle called “Challenge, Decide, Commit.” We encourage a variety of viewpoints upfront, but once we’ve made a decision, we all commit to it and move forward together rather than endlessly relitigating the same arguments. This approach sets clear expectations about how and when we take feedback into account so workers know what productive engagement looks like.

Model Active Listening

When an employee challenges a decision, you have an opportunity to set the bar for what civil discussion looks like. You don’t always have to change the other person’s mind, but you do need to make a good-faith effort to make them feel heard and valued. Engage in empathetic and active listening. This keeps conversations from escalating, helps employees understand the expectations for their own behavior, and encourages them to be better listeners in all their workplace discussions.  

Pivot with a Question

Once you’ve let the other person have their say, ask them, “Would you be open to hearing another perspective?” This question is powerful because it changes the energy of a conversation. If they say yes, you can shift from talking about the nuts and bolts of disagreement to explaining the viewpoint which led the organization to its decision. And if they say no, you’ve learned they’re not acting in good faith, and you don’t need to devote additional energy to conversation.

Sometimes, people get caught up in one mindset, so they can only see one acceptable outcome. Understanding the organization’s perspective may not always change a worker’s mind, but it usually makes the organization’s decision seem more relatable because they understand the thinking which went into it.

Remain Open to Good Ideas

As much as you want to help the employee see your side of things, you also need to seriously consider their perspective. If you’re an executive engaged in a thoughtful dialogue and the other person brings salient points to the conversation, those are gifts, and you need to engage with them. At the very least, you want to ensure the employee doesn’t feel like you’re paying them lip service. But it’s also possible the employee will teach you something which changes how you see the issue and may lead to an even better decision.

The key to reviving the lost art of dialogue is believing there’s value in another human being’s perspective. We live in a culture which often looks down on being influenced by someone else’s opinion. But when was the last time you made a decision informed only by your own experiences? These days, most people won’t buy anything without looking at reviews because we know other perspectives improve our decision-making. Don’t pass up the opportunity to embrace a good idea just because it came from someone else.